The more ‘seasoned’ I become, the more people tend to come to me for advice. After all, I am a true professional at providing solid advice to others and not following it myself. As long as I can lend an ear and add a different point-of-view focused on bettering a situation, then I have done something positive for someone else.
Had such an experience last night with a younger person who was struggling in a difficult situation. A couple actually. However, at the end of it all, I realized that he was suffering in the same way I had been for most of my life. He was losing a grip on who he is as an individual for the needs of others. Changing, morphing to meet other people’s happiness while sacrificing his own in the process.
A “giver” syndrome? Overly empathetic? Not sure what it is, but for those of us who have a tendency to want to help those in trouble and feel the need to try to ‘fix’ them, without realizing that in the process we subconsciously suppress pieces of our own personalities to fit the needs of the person we are trying to make happy.
We lose ourselves over time. Never really realizing it until things begin to get bad. Without noticing, we begin to resent the very individuals we are trying to help without knowing why. We become isolated, putting up walls and with each episode taking more from us until we are no longer who we once were. The intent was good, but somewhere along the way, giving turned into sacrificing.
Whether it is in a profession or a very personal relationship, one has to set boundaries. Those lines that should not be crossed. It is easy to give and sacrifice, but at what cost? This was sort of what I was hearing in the conversation until I simply said, “You have to stop giving away your happiness.” It was all very valid to hear what this person was going through, but at the end of it, we are the gatekeepers of our happiness and, in many cases, our values.
It’s okay to care for someone, to give to someone, but when it begins to transform who you were going into the situation, changing who you are, what you find valuable, what brings you joy, then you are more than likely dealing with someone who is trying to find something that makes them happy with our understanding of what that is. So you give, they take, then they ask for subtle changes in you that are harmless in the moment, but build up over time.
We all have to invest the time to understand what our values are, what makes us happy, and protect that above all else. Is that where you are right now in your relationships? Think back to what you were in your 20s or earlier. What made you happy? What was important to you? Have you given up on these or lost these somewhere along the way? Take a moment and do the needful.
If you find someone or something (work) that truly aligns with your values and supports or fosters your happiness without exception, then you have found your lobster (iykyk).
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